Goodbye to You: Wanda’s Last day

How do you say goodbye to an old stove, one that was made in the 1950s, weighs about 98 kilos and has four, maybe even six different pilot lights that needed attending?

How do you express your excitement when you learned of all its compartments and possibilities, in 2008, only to be deflated like an old mylar parade balloon when you found out only one compartment worked? (hint NOT the rotisserie).

dials

How to you say goodbye to a clock that was forever set to  13:45h, the time your child came home from school which was always your favorite time?

How do you say goodbye to an oven that produced so many cookies, for bake sales and for staff members at your restaurants, when you tried to buy back their love after being a flaming bitch because you were so stressed?

How do you say goodbye to a stove whose only working compartment you had to open with a large IKEA magnet that got very hot and often burned your fingers?

oldstove

How do you say goodbye to a stove that was impossible to clean? How do you say goodbye to a friend that regularly gave you perfectly roasted vegetables even though you had to turn the tray around about 5 times per roasting session?

squash

How do you say goodbye to a friend that roasted so many chickens, and offered a warm scent of rosemary and thyme to the rest of your home when this was happening?

How do you handle this magnitude of loss even after last Friday, when the gas was turned off briefly and you couldn’t find all of Wanda’s pilot lights and nearly had to evacuate your home due to carbon monoxide levels and threat of hypoxia?

Goodbye Wanda.  The new stove will be slick and easily cleaned but I will miss your enormous capacities, complete dysfunction and general uselessness. I will miss you Wanda. Sorry that you will be scrap metal. Because you fed my family for 8 years.

 

 

 

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The Dogs of Shebnation: Meet “The Clem”

Clementine (or “the Clem”, as she is known) is a very special animal. Her activity levels range from psychotically busy to lifeless and sedentary.  Also, if she is lifeless and sedentary, please do not disturb her if you enjoy having unbitten hands. Most of us enjoy unbitten hands. However, she gets scared when she is in that hypnagogic state between asleep and fully awake. Who among us is not?

In terms of snacks, the Clem requires quite a bit of work. While many dogs merely have a cup of kibble poured into a bowl, foodstuffs for the Clem are a little more involved. Her breakfasts and dinners are composed of a complex mixture of coconut oil, pumpkin, probiotics and slow-cooked, grass-fed meats.

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Our Magnum Policy…….

magnumpolicy1) Weekdays just fine.

2) No Corkage in Shebnation.

3) When given a choice, always choose 1.5 Liters or more.

4) Proper handling of magnums is to cradle them in your arms like a baby. Or two babies.

 

(Notes: No garbage allowed in Laval vineyards. Morgon is actually the Rhône so, granite. Also no garbage allowed at Lapierre. No sugar in Laval bottles. No swimming in the paradis, even though that shimmering, fractal, ruby lake may call out to you. Please practice some impulse control.)

 

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The Dogs of Shebnation: Meet Tater

tateTate, or Tater is a nice doggie with a checkered past. He has been expelled from several doggie daycares and has a police record, mainly though because he gets scared and does not know how to handle his feelings. That’s ok, we all get like that sometimes.

When not biting or attacking perceived threats , he likes to eat plates and spoons out of the dishwasher, spread garbage all over the house and shed lots of his glorious hair.

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