The Dogs of Shebnation: Goodbye To Alyce.

By the time this is published, Alyce will be gone. Just know, in your hearts, she was a stealth and loyal friend. She was sneaky, a paper eater, and shrill. Sometimes she whined a lot too. And let me tell you, in the beginning there was diarrhea. But her tubby brother, who will remain with us, also contributed this this. We are not sure who initiated the garbage eating; I suppose we will now know finally, but I would trade the knowledge to have her back.

Alyce, this is what I want to say to you: thank you for being my friend of nine years. You just were the cutest doggie and I so do not want to live without you. I am glad you ended up here with me. I wanted to tell your story but perhaps it is better left to the clouds. Whatever monster left you on a cold road in Kentucky in winter when you were two weeks old can go fuck themselves, but after that I can honestly say we tried to make it good.

Jasper will miss you but do not worry, we got his back. I love you. We love you.

You will forever be
under the tree
where the squirrels stupidly let their snacks fall
you ate them all
(even avocado skins which I cannot even pretend to understand).





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The Dogs of Shebnation: Meet Champ!

This is Champ, a serious little puggle whose main jobs are to protect his people and eat. I was menaced viciously by this little sausage just yesterday, because he didn’t know me. Fortunately, his running speed was hampered by his rotund shape, so it was easy to notice that he was coming for me and to move out of the way.

Champ uses his bulk to his advantage; one time he dragged a 50 pound bag of dog food out of a closet and ate more kibble than he should have, maybe even most of it. His chow is now kept in a special tub with a screw cap. He also knows how to open the refrigerator. So of course, a bungee cord is needed there.

Champ will tell you that the most danger lurks at night. This is why he awakens two or three times every night to bark loudly and slam his stout little body against the front door.

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The Dogs of Shebnation: Meet “The Clem”

Clementine (or “the Clem”, as she is known) is a very special animal. Her activity levels range from psychotically busy to lifeless and sedentary.  Also, if she is lifeless and sedentary, please do not disturb her if you enjoy having unbitten hands. Most of us enjoy unbitten hands. However, she gets scared when she is in that hypnagogic state between asleep and fully awake. Who among us is not?

In terms of snacks, the Clem requires quite a bit of work. While many dogs merely have a cup of kibble poured into a bowl, foodstuffs for the Clem are a little more involved. Her breakfasts and dinners are composed of a complex mixture of coconut oil, pumpkin, probiotics and slow-cooked, grass-fed meats.

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The Dogs of Shebnation: Meet Fern

Here’s Fern, a scrappy little cuddler who enjoys sleeping, hanging out under tables laden with food and…sleeping. Because of her high ethical standards and sympathetic heart, she often supresses her more canine urges to chase and kill squirrels, instead allowing them to eat and decimate the vegetable garden her human works so hard to grow.

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The Dogs of Shebnation: Meet Tater

tateTate, or Tater is a nice doggie with a checkered past. He has been expelled from several doggie daycares and has a police record, mainly though because he gets scared and does not know how to handle his feelings. That’s ok, we all get like that sometimes.

When not biting or attacking perceived threats , he likes to eat plates and spoons out of the dishwasher, spread garbage all over the house and shed lots of his glorious hair.

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